Ke Ghar kab aaoge ..

Reached the warm comforts of my room in Bangalore yesterday... Almost every person in office I meet, coo-s

"Hi Archan, welcome back ..How have you been? how was your trip? Was the flight back okay? "

and I stutter everytime in giving a realistic reply. Well, its difficult for me to establish the feeling here at my blogpad as well.. but I will try..

Cos.. this has to be on record.

It was one of the weirdest, toughest, most frustrating, angering and awkward journeys I have had. It was also one of the most interesting, unexpected, full of surpises travels I have been subjected to..

Lets start with some math.. should be a pretty easy one for the people who like me swear by it as their favorite subjects..

a) Granny Dearest: "How many hours is East Coast Time behind Indian Standard time, on winters, if 8 am at the Atlantic shore is evening 6:30 pm at Jhumri's Talaiya ?"
Alec Smart : "Duh, thats 10:30 hours , Gram'ma"

b) Granny D: "So if Archan starts from his rented apartment in the US of A at 1100 hours on a Sunday morn and reaches his Bangalore base at 2230 hours on WEDNESDAY NIGHT !!! what has he been doing?"

Alec Smart : "That would be 24 + 24 + 24 + 11:30 - 10:30 = 73 hours Granny.. Me got it first ... Yaay !! "

Lucky Eddie: " Wrong Aaaaaaaaaanswer !!! You missed the cache Alec! The correct answer is "Archan has been TRAVELLING !!! "

DUH .

Me feels like two sides of the coin, two split personalities right now.. Bitter and Sweet, Angry and Ecstatic, Good and Evil, Alec Smart and Lucky Eddie. My feeling about this return trip back home is just the same...



"Yeah thanks AND I Had a most oustanding
(ly screwed up and the weirdest)
flight back home..
(And I really dont care)
How have you been "

See? All can be rosy if you fail to read between my lines..


Anyways, all thats written above is true. Thats exactly the time it took me to reach my home bed. It seemed endless, and it was a crazy experience. Since morning on sunday, the Alec Smart in Me (dont know which brain hemisphere) spent answering calls and chatting on Yahoo till I realized that I had half an hour to pack up, have a bath and get ready till John picks me up.

I am generally meticulous about ma planning.. but Alec Smart had been attending dinner meets and other outside of the city excursions, examples sake a BIIG 50 factory outlets shopping area and restaurant luncheons. The outlet shopping spree yeilded me nothing , and I swear by the underworld maxim ... It "pays" not being a woman..

And for the whole part of that weekend.. Alec Smart had been bragging about to the Americans and the Europeans was, look how easy its for you guys. we have to do 32 hours of travelling just to reach back to India ..( gasps and sighs) .. and I cant sleep much due to all the screeching kids around (more gasps and sighs) .. and mentally telling myself.. ( Heh - Heh !!.. piece of cake.. i will watch all 6 movies and sleep the remainder of the time. And the idiot Kids on the deck?? ( Devil laugh) They can be put to rest by sneak - forcing just a gulp of the readily available Scotch on the Rocks down their throat!! FOR THE WHOLE FLIGHT!! Been there . Done that.)

So, cut to action..The army packing drill ensued. clothes, washed/unwashed were folded rolled and stuffed in a jiffy. A ke chocolates, B ke gift , C ka package jo Bangalore mein deliver karaana hai, files, CDs .. and ohh yes.. my most important thing.. swept my hand across the basin rack of both the baths.. Saare sample shampooos, moisturizers, scented soaps, fell into the suitcase.. :) I love these samples :)

Then the final act... A big heavy squat on top of the suitcase - on top of the bed.. and with the sleight twist of the hands.. close in the suitcase.. It had worked again. I hadnt lost the touch :) .. So far so good..

John picked me up.. on time.. at 10:30.. and I was all wet (NO PUN INTENDED, YOU SICKOS) ... The unsure part however was, was it the bath water cos i hadnt had the time to properly towel myself dry? or was it my sweat showing my last 30 minutes struggle.... Was thanking the Lucky Eddie in me now for taking over and pulling it off yet again.. Anyways.. went to the club and dropped in the keys.. now for the last moment things.. to do.. My office colleague manoj's 1GB flash Drive and my friend Pranay's 30 GB Photo IPOD..

Raced away to Best Buy .. and NONE of them were there.. the IPOD corner hadnt opend.. since best buy opens only at 11 am on sundays. ... Embarrasment Embarrasment.. I had 3 weeks.. But I couldnt get these two things i had promised.. ab sabko bolna padega.. car nahi thaa is baar.. couldnt venture out much.. and blah and blah..

Lucky Eddie was beating a hasty retreat.. from the Electronic Shop.. After all the flight departed in 90 more minutes.. when thunder struck right at the exit door. and Smart Alec took over.. 15 minutes passed as Smarty Alec salviated over all the latest Canon, sony, JVC , Kodak, Nikon cameras and camcorders ..

John, gave me the resigned look which looked like "Son if you dont leave NOW .. you can come shopping for all pods and flashes the next day".

Well , finally Smart Alec did come back to the car .. Only lighter by 400 #($*ing dollars from his wallet ! and a quarter kilo heavier from the LATEST SONY 5.1 MPIX Carl Zeiss lensed Digi Camera !! hanging by his armside.. Remember the TOm and Jerry Cartoons? The Red Devil Laughs and sits over Tom's head.. and the White angel slowly shakes his head and walks away.. helped with a poke in arse from the Devils trishul ofcourse..

The Unexpecteds had already started to Happen...

What was ofcourse still expected, was the US Security tomfoolery... As usual, and In sync with all my travails to States-land before.. The idiot NW checkin guy gave me the SSSS tag.. Now, i can see that immediately when I get the boarding pass.. (bottom right corner of the boarding pass) What it means is the i will be stripped and searched and stripped and searched and stripped and searched through each and every gate henceforth in the US.. and its will be pain and embarrasment all the way till I board the flight and they finally have had enough of me..

And so it was..
At every gate.. They read me my rights.. excluded me from the line.. searched me.. ransacked my baggage ruthlessly and talked through this molestation all the way..
"Sir, I am going to run though your trousers " ("Sir , now I am going to feel your thighs")
" Can you please put your feet on these separated signs?" ("Please spread your legs")
"Please lift your feet... okay" ("Is that some metal there though the opened belt? ")
"Thank you, youre all set" ("Sigh. I am all done..")

And since I had to meet my friend @ Minneapolis airport.. I had to go outside the security gate cordon ( His cell also had to be transported to India) . 2 more strip searches were added to the itenirary..

The first question they ask after reading the rights is

"Sir, Have you ever been through this before"
And i think of starting off

" Lets see now, so you know back in the december of 2004 when I was here for a fortnight? hmm? well thats one... and UMMM , if i remember correctly... again On my way back in October? "
"Annd OHHHHHH YES !!! :)) in fact just 4 (*&$ing hours back !! ..This search thingy rocks no? You Americans are So kewl :) Do it again on me please, would you? THE next time I will have rosemary scented socks for you to smell"

Bloody *#@$)(*&#$(#&$#@(*&$#@*$)&#(*$&#@(*)&$#@*$&#@$(*#$)(*


Nothing else worthwhile happenned between The last search and the plane Gate. I just flipped my stay visa at the boarding counter and was thinking about some needed rest on the plane seat.. but Alec Smart was in time for it again..

I had realized that I was boarding my flight among the last passengers... and just before I enterd. they stopped me..

"You have to check in this luggage.. there is not any cabin space left now"

What else could I have expected.. it was a DC - 10.. Generally used for the Indian sectors.. jahaan bhed-bakriyon ki tarah all worldwide airlines Indians ko Laad dete hain.. they dont care a damn about the customers needs.. and everything. . Every airline that I have travelled is rude to indian passengers.. and Indians always take it sportingly.. well some definitely deserve it.. and such namune are always there in these aircrafts to spoil our image..

Alec Smart did nothing.. He Said.. Why of course.? Maine yeh hand bag tumhein baad mein check in karwaane ke liye hi to rakha thaa.. tum apne komal haathon se checkin karogi to mera bhag dhanya ho jaayega aur meri yatra safal ho jaayegei. Kahaan hai? Kahaan hai Checkin slip?

A small tattered check in slip was usherd into my hand.. All i had now was my laptop.. and my passport and ticks.

So Alec Smart boarded his flight.. and fluffed up the pillow and spread out the Shawl and fastened the seat belt.. And he waited
And waited.. and Waited.

"This is the Captain speaking.. We have a minor glitch.. the hydraulic liquid in the left tyres is a bit low" ( we didnt care for the basic checks even though the plane was 5-6 hours in the airport before everyone boarded)"
The mechanics are filling in the replacement.. we will be on our way in 10 minutes"

10 minutes it was... 5 of them..

After 50 minutes and a full episode of 4 fat black women chatting their blues away and after a good 1:10 minutes behind schedule the Minneapolis to Amsterdam KLM North west Bugger of an airplane.. taxied to the runway...

I was happy to get out of the ordeal. and thankfully Lucky Eddie took over..
I slept the whole flight and luckily was awake just in time of the lunches.. there were no kids to scotch off and the next seat was empty.

The plane landed sharp at 10:05 am in Amsterdam..it had covered half an hour.. maybe I could Make it to the 10:25 Mumbai flight after all.. So the plane landed.. and then it stopped.. right there on the tarmac. Had I switched back to Dear ol' Alec in my sleep?

and it stayed there for another 20 minutes.. Good boy Captain Courageous had the guts to tell everyone that there was some other small plane standing on the gate we had been assigned..

WoW.

1/2 an hour later.. as i trudged out of the Gate E8.. I could still see the Mumbai flight parked in the next gate E9.. but I knew they had cancelled my rservation a long before..
I did the requesting at the Gate formality..

and then trudged back a few steps and looked back at the plane.. still connected to the boarding tunnel.. thinking of my had been neighbor stretching his leg on my empty seat.. . I knew I had a long day ahead of me..
It was a very weird feeling .. a feeling of anger frustation agony and helplessness all at the same time..
They were not allowing me to go home.. whereas my flight was just a few steps ahead.. and I couldnt not go inside even with my boarding tick in my hand

The Bashi-Bazouks.

Then came a list of counter waiting.. 1/2 hour for the travel desk counter.. which said it couldnt do anything and I had to go to ticketing to rebook my flights. I met two americans going to Pune.. who had also missed the flight.. and we 3 headed for the ticketing.. atleast some company..

After 1 hour of line waiting.. The Goras we immediately given a flight to Heathrow.. and then a connecting to Mumbai. .They would lose 6-7 hours..

My turn came.. THe Counter lady in blue blurted
"I have booked your flight for tomorrow.. Be here @ 8 am tomorrow.. "
I asked back. .how did the previous ppl get a connection?

The reply was sum Dutch Mumbo Jumbo.. and then something about check ins.. which implied that look you are a lowly asian.. this world class airline functions perfectly just because.. it has learnt to segregate between who it cares for and who it doesnt.. read those who can sue up and who cant.. so just buzz off and accept my reservations.

As if i had a choice..
40 minutes later.. I got my transit visa.. a Temporary stay order for 1 day.. I prayed for Smart Alec to go back to his shell or hemisphere.. and maybe he did..

Hotel bookings were assigned.. I was given a 3 minute calling card to inform my near / dear.. as if bachhe ko 3 rupe pakda do.. aur kaho.. beta , car-war toy-shoy bhuul jaao.. yeh lo 3 rupe aur churan, lollipop khaakar khush ho jaao..

Met two Indians at the passport desk.. a lady and a gentleman.. the lady had come from the Detroit connecting flight and had a similar North West "histoire efficace" to narrate..

As we stepped out of the airport and into the shuttle bus. .Lucky eddie realized, watching the thousands of cars on the freeway ... maybe this is not that bad after all.. I have a visa.. and dont I have one of the worlds most beautiful cities ahead of me? They were typical small cars.. looked like busy ants.. buzzing around from one hub to the other..
Amsterdam to Rotterdam to Eindhoven or anywhere..

The country side looked beautiful and the first time after the conversation with someone I had had on yahoo.. the previous day....

I smiled.

:)

The hotel was good, :) lovely artistically designed bath tub.. the emergency travel kit provided by the North West - KLM Staff was good too.. Atleast i could brush and shave.. and wear a new vest underneath...
I had a quick bath.. and a good lunch just in time with the other two people .. a refreshing conversation..

We three people then took the Shuttle back to Schipol Airport. for our city tour.. the guy who had been to this city before was the guide...
Converted some dollars to euro for an outstanding charge.. dont even ask.. (the money returned was almost half) ..

ANd from Schipol Airport to Amsterdam Centraal (with the double a)..we took the city rail .. Our conversations, the double decker train, the cushiony seats, a beautiful view, the dressed up ticket checker and the small old style houses changed our mood completely The area outside Amsterdam Centraal was lovely.. unless you are in a very big city.. you wont find any ppl outside their houses and walking.. in America.. they all like to stay inside.. and run their car to someplace just 300 metres away from where they are.. Thats Americans for you.. Walking is meant for something to be done on forest trails or treadmills.. and walking to someplace is definitely not chic. .First of all you will never find complete side walk pavements and secondly.. everybody from their respective cars will glare at you..

But here I was.. In the busy station.. with Loads of ppl !! Looked like Bombay VT with a Fashion makeover ! middle size fur coats.. a scarf , a short skirts , black stockings and knee high pointed leather boots for the girls.. and A scarf or hat.. with black over coat or jacket and trousers and boots for the gentlemen.. and everyone running about here and there..

The city center was beautiful.. it has a river flowing across.. and round it semi - circled concentric water channels leave and reenter the river.. there are boats and swans on all these channels.. through which you can travel to other parts of the town.. and small lovely bridges on each road.. and cobblestone pavements all along the way.. ! and cars and bikes yes.. but thousands on people on foot and hundreds on small bikes :) bicycles.. :) just paddling about busily along side a fine micro drizzle.. it was a lovely sight..

Also were hundreds of restaurants.. with glass enclosures.. that would place you right beside any water channel. and watch the waterway as you dine over the candle.. Small houses.. flat buildings having the old central european style architechture.. but hosting some of the most expensive fashion or business houses of the world.. Blue trams scurrying past each other.. Small alleys.. and countless shops.. The Indian Shop beside a Madame Tussauds.. A multiplex on one side of the road and a sex musuem on the other..
People walking , talking, enjoying boat rides.. and doing business. all of it. on a pristine 1900 european setting..

It was lovely..

We came back late in the night.. thoroughly satisfied with the visit.. and with tired legs but happy minds.. Maybe it wasnt that bad after all.. The lady had to visit her ailing father in law at the hospital immediately.. the guy had more things on his mind.. but these 7-8 hours.. made us forget the sad part of it all.. just 3 perfect strangers joined together by fate.. as stranded passengers.. who have missed an appointment.. , lost on business, forced to abandon commitments.. and felt helpless and violated.. yet.. maybe felt happy for some time just talking about old things, of places visited. about their loved ones..



I was able to catch the next flight to Mumbai , the next morning.. No more strip searches were required this time. Thought everything will be just perfect as the last afternoon had progressed.. but then Alec was required back to balance things around..

A group of crazy Indians accompanied the neighboring seats.. They kept ordering white wine , red wine. even once a "Janny Boker" ( Johny Walker) !! And loads of other whisky, rum etc.. the more they got drunk.. the more boisterous they became.. and it was a mess for the hostesses

Just one movie was shown .. Wimbledon (Kirsten Dunst) which I would have enjoyed except for the faulty audio system .. but it was the sock stenches and the drunk talk that was unbearable..


Reaching Mumbai made me as happy as ever.. !! What now I thought.. and just before I landed .. I was handed the mother of all turnarounds..

They had not uploaded my baggage at amsterdam ..

The Red Devil had triumphed again.
Alec Smart was back in business.
And I was back to my sour self..


What complicated matters was that one of the drunkards had collapsed right at the indian immigration desk and every Northwest and Airport official was rushing to provide assistance. So the baggage counter had an half empty look.. minutes later a lady came in..
Lucky Eddie came to the rescue . .when I gave her a wisecrack..
"You know what . its 12:00 am in the midnight.. and I have a lady waiting for me outside.. Do you think its safe in this city?"

That kind of sped up matters.. my passport was photocopied faster than the others.. (15 mintues) .. I was taken to the Customs official.. and given the no objection card. But not before surrendering all my keys to the baggage. typing lists of whats inside them and whats not.. and repeatedly declaring.. no I dont have any new camera or mobile or electronic gadget.


My friend was there to pick me up at the airport.. .. since my Bangalore flight was scheduled on the next day evening.. Spent the day roaming around Mumbai. .Marine drive et al.. i love the city.. its trains. .everything.. had good food. at the pizza hut.. took some snaps.. met loads of good people.


I landed in Bangalore on Wednesday night. Lucky hadnt left me since after the form signing at the KLM counter..

As the pre paid taxi left the arrivals section of Bangalore Antarrashtriya terminal.. the first song good ol Mirchi put up for me was..


" Ke Ghar kab aaoge.. Likho Kab aaoge..
Ke tum bin yeh ghar suuna suuna hai.. "

Was talking about the power of telepathy to my good friend SAm in the US just two days back.. he was wondering out how the moment you think of a song.. sometimes you find it the next on your jukebox..

And we had been talking about him wanting to hear this song from Border.. Alongside..

I felt i could smile. I sang aloud suddenly ..
"Ae guzarne waali hawaa bataa ... mera itna kaam karegi kya" to the startled and petrified Kannada cab driver.. :) Maybe the suddenly high pitch of the couplet.. would have almost caused him to screech his Maruti Van to a halt . .but I simply wouldnt have cared :)



Bangalore is not exactly ghar for me.. Thats still my cozy little room thats been kept then same, unchanged. back in delhi by my parents when I left it 4 years back..

But after this long journey back home.. i felt my wait was over.. I could now just sit back and relax.

























AND look How wrong I was.. These KLM buggers dont pick up the bangalore fone number at all.. And I am STILL waiting for my luggage..

Bashi Bazouks.. Blistering Barnacles.. Thousands of Thundering typhoons..



Well, God bless me.. And the Americans..and whomsoever who wants to be blessed..

The fact that I have realized . .that there will not always be Lucky Eddie in my life. I would be a fool to wish for it.. THe truth is that it will always be the Alec Smart inside of me that will help me be stronger ... and I can hope to have Lucky Eddie by my side.. atleast sometimes for some unforeseen pleasure.. some unfinished dream.. some good surprises.. to help reaffirm the belief in myself..

and ofcourse a bit of fun :)